did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
