Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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