Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
