i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
