I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
