I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
