nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
