I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
