I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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