who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
