she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
