Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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