My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
