Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
