remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
