i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
