I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
