yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
