I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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