The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
