im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
