Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your cock deserves a montage
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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