Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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