he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
