I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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