Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
