Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
