Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
