I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
