its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
