The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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