:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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