Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
did you just send me my own nude
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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