fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
