I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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