i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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