Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
