there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
