i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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