That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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