His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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