I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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