hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
