I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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