i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
