Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
