all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
