Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
