oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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