What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
