I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
