Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
