I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
